The Autonomic Nervous System

When we talk about stress, calm, burnout, or feeling “regulated,” we’re really talking about the autonomic nervous system (ANS).
This system runs beneath conscious thought, constantly scanning our internal and external world and deciding how to keep us safe.
Rather than being simply “calm” or “stressed,” our nervous system moves through three primary states, each with a distinct purpose.
Importantly, these states are not distinct and separate. Much of daily life happens in the overlap between them.
Understanding these states — and how they blend — can change the way we relate to our emotions, our bodies, and each other.

The autonomic nervous system regulates essential functions like heart rate, breathing, digestion, muscle tone, and immune response.
Its core job is survival.
It asks one question over and over again:

“Am I safe?”

Depending on the answer, it shifts us into one of three primary states.

1. Ventral Vagal: Safety, Presence, and Connection

This is the state we often call regulated, grounded, or calm and relaxed.
When the ventral vagal system is dominant you might notice:

Feeling present in your body
Being able to think clearly
Feeling connected to others
A sense of calm or steadiness
Breathing is steady and full
Our heart rate is flexible
Digestion works well
We feel curious, compassionate, and connected

This is the state that supports:

Social engagement
Creativity and learning
Emotional regulation
Rest and repair

Everyday examples

Sitting with a friend and feeling genuinely listened to
Having a difficult conversation while staying grounded
Reading a book and fully absorbing it
Parenting with patience even when a child is upset
Feeling tired but still emotionally connected

Key point:
Ventral vagal is not the absence of stress — it’s the presence of enough safety to stay engaged with life.

2: Sympathetic — Mobilisation and Action

This state helps us respond to challenge or perceived threat.
You might notice:

Heart rate and blood pressure rise
Shallow or rapid breathing
Increased energy or urgency
Racing thoughts
Tension in the body
Irritability or anxiety
Attention narrows

What it feels like:

Energised or restless
Focused or driven
Alert to threat or challenge
Ready to act

This is the state of fight or flight — but also of:

Focus and motivation
Setting boundaries
Protecting yourself
Taking action
Meeting challenges

Everyday examples:

Rushing to meet a deadline
Speaking up firmly in a meeting
Exercising or training
Feeling irritated when boundaries are crossed
Getting a surge of adrenaline before public speaking

Key point:
Sympathetic activation is not “bad.” It becomes a problem only when there’s no access back to safety or rest.

3: Dorsal Vagal — Shutdown, Collapse and Conservation

This is the body’s protective response when things feel overwhelming or impossible.

It is the system’s last-resort survival strategy when fight or flight feels impossible or unsafe.
In this state, we may experience:

Fatigue or heaviness
Low energy and motivation
Feeling numb, foggy, or disconnected
Wanting to withdraw or sleep
A sense of collapse or hopelessness
Emotionally flat
Slowed movement
Shallow, minimal breathing

Rather than being a failure, dorsal vagal shutdown is the body conserving energy and protecting itself from overwhelm. It’s not meant to be permanent — it’s meant to be protective.

Everyday examples:

Scrolling mindlessly when overwhelmed
Cancelling plans because everything feels like too much
Feeling exhausted after prolonged stress
Wanting to sleep or hide
‘Zoning out’ during conflict

The Overlap: Why We’re Rarely in Just One State

While these three states are often explained separately, real life is much more nuanced. We spend most of our time in blended or overlapping states.

Ventral + Sympathetic: Safe Mobilisation

This is one of the healthiest and most functional blends which is powerful and often overlooked.
Here, we feel:

Energised but grounded
Focused without panic
Assertive without aggression

This state supports:

Healthy leadership
Play
Exercise that feels good
Productive work
Engaged debate or passion
Playful competition or sport
Creative flow

Think excitement, not anxiety.

Sympathetic + Dorsal: Stuck or Burnout States

When mobilisation and shutdown overlap, people often feel:

Anxious but exhausted
Wired and tired
Restless yet collapsed
Overstimulated and numb
Pressured but unable to act

This blend is common in chronic stress, trauma, and burnout. The system wants to act, but also feels it can’t — creating internal conflict and depletion.

Examples:

Lying awake at night, heart racing but body heavy
Feeling pressure to act but unable to move
Burnout where motivation and energy both collapse

Dorsal + Ventral: Gentle Presence, Rest and Repair

This overlap is subtle but important.
Here, there may be:

Low energy, but calm
Quiet and reflective
A need for rest without fear
Slow, safe withdrawal

This state can support:

Deep rest
Meditation
Safe grieving
Stillness and reflection
Healing after overwhelm
Resting after illness
Sitting quietly with someone without needing to talk

It’s a reminder that low energy doesn’t always mean dysregulation.

Understanding Overlap

When we label states as “good” or “bad,” we miss the intelligence of the nervous system.

Anxiety isn’t a failure — it’s mobilisation.
Shutdown isn’t laziness — it’s protection.
Regulation isn’t constant calm — it’s flexibility.

The nervous system doesn’t need fixing.
It needs safety, choice, and compassion.

Healing and resilience don’t mean staying in ventral vagal all the time. They mean being able to move between states, and to return to safety after challenge.

When we understand the three states — and their overlap — we stop asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

And start asking:

“What is my nervous system trying to do for me right now?”

That shift alone can be profoundly regulating.

Regulation Practices

The goal of regulation is not to force calm.
The goal is to support safety and movement.
Choose practices gently — what helps one day may not help another.

When You’re Feeling Anxious, Overactivated, or “On Edge”
(Sympathetic)

Helpful practices:

Slow, extended exhale breathing (longer out-breath than in-breath), 7:11 breathing
Gentle movement: walking, stretching, rocking
Mindfulness: e.g. name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, etc.
Self soothing: holding something cool or warm, soothing or comforting
Saying quietly: “Right here, right now, I am safe”

Focus:
Helping the body come down, not talking yourself out of feelings.

When You’re Feeling Shut Down, Numb, or Exhausted
(Dorsal Vagal)

Helpful practices:

Very small movements (wiggling fingers or toes)
Gentle sensory input (warm drink, soft blanket, soothing music)
Sitting near someone safe without needing to talk
Naming what you feel physically, without judgment
Short moments of eye contact or light engagement

Focus:
Adding a little bit of energy, not pushing or forcing.

When You’re Feeling Stuck or Burned Out
(Sympathetic + Dorsal)

Helpful practices:

Titration: do things in very small doses
Pendulation: moving gently between effort and rest
Grounding with structure (routine, predictable times)
Compassionate self-talk: “This makes sense given what I’ve been through.”

Focus:
Reducing pressure and increasing safety.

When You’re Feeling Connected but Low Energy
(Ventral + Dorsal)

Helpful practices:

Rest without distraction
Quiet connection (sitting together, shared silence)
Gentle reflection or journaling
Allowing sadness or grief with support

Focus:
Rest and recharging.

Remember

Your nervous system is adaptive, not broken.
Healing does not mean staying calm all the time.
Healing means:

Understanding your patterns
Responding with compassion
Supporting your system back toward safety

You are not failing when you struggle —
your nervous system is doing its best to protect you.